Dear little Savannah,
Good God, will you fall for a bizarre range of boys before you hit twenty.
Some of them - most of them - you will look back on and cringe at the memory. Some of them will leave stains on your heart and mud in your pockets. A lot of them will make you roll your eyes and toss your head and laugh.
And then there are some who you will look back on and grin to yourself, and you'll hug yourself remembering the things they said.
I'll be honest, there are too many boys who float into your life for a moment and leave a sour taste in your mouth when they're gone. There are boys who you will shove away and write warning letters to a younger you about. You'll clench your fists and snarl at the mention of their names, remembering the things they put you through - the way they hurt your friends, your sister.
But the good ones - the important ones - are the ones I want to talk to you about now.
This world is full of shallow, vindictive people, but I want you to know that better ones exist.
They are the furious, loyal defenders. The ones who make it a point to make sure you feel comfortable. The ones who offer to help you find your car during a rainstorm one Halloween night. The ones who defend you when someone else speaks poorly of you behind your back. The ones who respect you and encourage you in the things you love to do.
The ones who defiantly remind you that you look lovely on days when you feel like garbage.
The ones who include you in on jokes and don't belittle you when you don't understand something obvious.
The ones who will go out of their way to make you happy or bring you tea on nights when you're curled up on your couch coughing up lung cookies.
And at first, you won't realize how truly remarkable these boys are. When you're young, your eyes will graze over these fine details and instead crave some fictional romance straight out of a poorly-penned vampire saga.
(Then, when you're here writing to yourself, you'll roll your eyes so far back into your head that you give yourself a migraine, remembering how you brushed aside the sweet, genuine gestures in hopes of finding someone more akin to Edward Cullen. Good grief, what a waste of time!)
Once you're here, though, having seen the world with more observant and critical eyes, you'll appreciate these boys for the remarkable beings that they are.
Because, though these boys are mortal and fleshy, though they make mistakes and are clumsy when trying to be romantic, when you see the world for what it is, you'll finally see how remarkable these boys are. How ground-breaking they are for being genuinely concerned about your heart and your health. The ones who will give you a reassuring squeeze when you recount your eating disorder to them, instead of giving you tips on losing weight like other boys eventually will.
I'm telling you this now because my last few letters have been incredibly dismal and ungrateful.
You won't date these boys. They won't be yours to keep, and you'll be absolutely all right with that. Some of them you won't see romantically, others you will politely admire from a distance. But all of them will leave impressions on your heart.
There are a lot of assholes in the world, Savannah. Too many to count. Too many to imagine, it seems. They crop up out of nowhere at the drop of a hat. You'll wonder if perhaps these men graduated from a secret Asshole University where they took courses in "Making Women Uncomfortable By Simply Looking At Them" and "How To Be An Entitled Douche To Modest Retail Workers"* (*more on this another time).
But these several, very important boys...these are the ones who will give you hope for the future. I know that sounds cheesy, but I mean it. You will smile to yourself, hugging your pillow at night just at the knowledge that they exist in this shitty, messed up world.
This won't cure your loneliness, Savannah, and I'm afraid that perhaps nothing will, but the existence of these boys in your life will make you okay with being alone for the night. The hole in your chest will seem much less gaping, much less unbearable. You'll be able to chase away sad thoughts with memories of searching for your car on a rainy Halloween night, and having serious heart-to-heart conversations over snapchat at three in the morning, and being silly teenagers on a haunted night hike, because someone thought that was a good idea for a birthday surprise (and it totally was).
There are phenomenally good, kind men out there, Savannah. There are boys who will look at you with curious, compassionate eyes, instead of hungry, probing ones. There are boys who will look at your heart and at your desires, rather than at your breasts and your butt. There are boys who are more concerned with the kindness in you than in the curves of your body, and they are so, so important.
It's easy to forget when things grow dismal and the world seems to hate you and your heart, but I beg you to remember these boys, these men, these remarkable human beings.
You are valuable, Savannah, and there are some boys who can see that value in you when you cannot.
Love,
Yourself
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